I am going to make it through today but can’t help thinking WHY it is that alcohol has such a grip on me and how insane is it to think that something which makes me completely forget moments and even entire nights, is what my mind is desperately wanting? I don’t know if I can handle all the feelings, resentments, and anger that are going to come up and am not 100% convinced that I don’t want to just “check out” each night still…but I do want desperately to be happy and at peace with myself. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be at peace with who you are without the constant thoughts of others’ judgements or without my own criticisms of myself. I think that is what will get me through this day, the hope that the feeling of peace IS out there and it IS within me somewhere (but only without wine)! Hope everyone out there has a lovely evening and tomorrow is another day and I will tackle that one tomorrow.
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runningfromwine 
Of course you want to “check out” every night. It is the easy way and we all would probably prefer it. But the downsides to that, everything you have written about, the dark side of your life and your relationships, is why you don’t want to do that anymore. Try to keep the negatives of drinking and how it affects your life looming way above the positives!! That peace is most assuredly buried within you. You have to find it though and not let drinking derail that process. Try to just look at this process right now as detoxing. That’s all you are trying to do. Alcohol has kept you from discovering your inner peace. You need to clear the alcohol out of your body for a week or so. THEN start addressing the other issues. Know that they are issues, feel them. Know that it will take grit to forgo the drink. You need willpower right now and mindset will come later. You are still going to have all those horrible thoughts about judgments and criticism for a bit. Put them in their cabinet right now and lock the drawer. DON’T expect not drinking to bring you peace. Not drinking will not FIX you. You must FIX you later. You will never find peace just by quitting the drink and you will go back to drinking. So don’t expect that. But not drinking will allow you to begin to find the means to peace….with a clear head. You just need to be really tough right now and keep your expectations low. You can do this! Big, huge, ginormous hug to make it through tonight!!
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Oh, thank you so much! I know it all has to come later and now is just time to be sober, to not drink, and to heal physically. I do hope the mental peace will come with time and I will find the way to a peaceful life while putting to rest so many negative thoughts. Mindfullness, I hear is a good tool which I have started to try. Well, I have at least started to remind myself to just breathe and focus on that alone. The rest can be dealt with later as you said 🙂 Thank you for your insight and the reminder that it is hard right now and to deal with the other crap later! Oh, and I am going to read the link you posted as well!
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PS….read today’s post on this blog if you haven’t already….!!! https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/
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You will find those feelings that you want. That’s the great reward that makes the early days so worth the effort. Keep at it!
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There is peace, but compulsive, addictive behaviour is very strong.
Just keep focusing on one day at a time. You do not drink. Period.
It will get easier.
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Wise words above. Take heart and have faith in those further along in the journey. I find the first 7-10 days are really tough (no idea why I feel compelled to keep repeating them!!). Is there another way you can ‘check out’ as opposed to alcohol? (I’m thinking loud music and headphones rather than hard drugs here!!) there’s lots of good mindfulness exercises online but they take practise and can be anxiety provoking if you beat yourself up about not doing them ‘right’. You can do this.. Day 4 already!! xx
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Hang in there. These early days are a bitch but you can do it. All good advice above. Give yourself a break and just focus on not drinking, everything else will come. You dont want to have to repeat these days ever again. so keep doing what you are doing. Massive hugs from me xoxoxo
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