Could it be a moment of clarity?

I don’t know if today will be my “Day 1”, but have a different feeling today and am going to try and embrace it. I had a pretty good day, got off work early, came home and exercised and then got ready to go out to dinner with my youngest son and husband before we send him back to college tomorrow. I listened to a Rich Roll podcast with a guy who was overcame alcoholism, lost 150 pounds and then proceeded to run marathons and is now super healthy.

For some reason right before we left for dinner I started feeling nauseous. I was thinking of drinking at dinner but just the thought of wine made me feel sick to my stomach….literally! My husband ordered beer and I stayed with water, all the while thinking if I just had wine it might make me feel better (WTF)!!! I watched the bar from our table and all the bottles and glasses and couldn’t stop thinking about wine, but I didn’t really deep down want it tonight, which has happened almost NEVER before.

Maybe this is my fleeting window of clarity, my surrender. I can’t drink normally and have no “off switch”, not even a “slow down” switch! I don’t want to live my life like this an I desperately want to be healthy. I want what other sober people have and talk about and want the “so much better”.

A Day 1 is done, may not be my last but I can enjoy it for what it is and try to do it again tomorrow. So tonight, I’m doing laundry for my son so he won’t have to do it in the dorms as soon as he gets back to Chicago, and I am present for his last night home for awhile. I am SOBER.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day all!

5 Comments Add yours

  1. ainsobriety says:

    In these moments of clarity it’s good to reach out for help.
    Go to a meeting. See what you might here. It might be the direction you need to make this your last day 1.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I Quit Wineing says:

    I have no moderation switch, no slow down switch, no casual drinking switch. The only switch I have is drink till drunk. Hence my need for sobriety. There is no other option.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Everyone’s ‘surrender’ looks different. Mine was on my knees, broken and humiliated with nowhere left to hide. Glad you had a good day, the sober days are gifts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That sounds like a nice happy family day 1, good for you. My surrender started out as a hungover, heavy hearted feeling of defeat but has changed into a sort of open armed, open hearted kind of prayer/meditative state of welcoming. Keep going 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My surrender came as I showed up drunk at yoga, and also blacked out driving.
    It was finally the time I said, I can’t drink anymore.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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