It’s day 91 for me. My 43rd birthday is tomorrow and today I am feeling really proud of myself. I am finally living life…only took 43 years, but hey, who’s counting right?!!! I was thinking back on all the years of my drinking, my marriage, my kids, my life in general. To be honest (and some may not like this), I couldn’t have done it without alcohol. Wine got me to where I am today and getting rid of it will let me be who I want to be, yet it served a purpose in my life. It’s all a process and everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that.
Wine got me through my marriage, all the resentments, the unfaithfulness, the lies, the deception…if I was sober I truly believe I would be divorced and that would be tragic because I do honestly love my husband. I am so grateful I am still married but honestly I couldn’t have done it without numbing out a LOT of it. I was too young, too idealistic, and a bit of a perfectionist and things weren’t as I thought they should be (ha, I thought I should be able to control it). So I drank. I drank to forget, to not feel, and to just get through it. To keep my marriage together at all costs for my children. To give up a part of myself for the image of what I thought was supposed to be. To keep up appearances, I drank. And, it worked…until it didn’t.
Today…I feel like I am grown up enough to live life. I can accept what is and learn to embrace it (the good, the bad, and the ugly). It’s all just part of life and now I am ready for it and truly looking forward to each day.
I am so grateful that I finally am growing up. It really helps with the fearful aspect of “Shit, I am getting old”!!!
Today, I accept my past as it has gotten me to where I am today…which is a really great place to be!
Hugs from me,