And again…no surprise.

Just posting because I can and need to. I feel like I have all the tools that will fit into the biggest toolbox, yet it’s not working for me, I am drinking tonight. I just read a book that really hit me hard, made me feel a bit less crazy and a bit like I might actually have the ability to get some control over the drinking….enough to give it up completely. “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts”. A great read and a lot of common sense, explanations that spoke to me and a general sense of this may not be by choosing, but I can choose to overcome it. It is possible. My emotions run deep and my mental capacity was derailed at 20 when I got pregnant and was thrust into adulthood….I wasn’t even in college full time trying to figure out what the heck I wanted in life (which at the time was to party and have fun, be carefree and live like there might be no tomorrow). But then there was a baby and responsibility and adulthood….which I was so unprepared for but embraced to the fullest and has been my greatest accomplishment. As I write this, my youngest is sitting with me (he playing a video game, home from college) and we had a great dinner tougher. My husband is of course out playing soccer and going out for drinks afterwards. I will go to read soon, not let my son see me drink too much but also be ashamed and disappointed with myself for even drinking. How do I end this once and for all?

I do have a few text/facebook friends who get it and have offered to help, but what if I am just one more disappointment?

Hugs to all of you making it and thoughts for all of you that are right there with me…..just don’t give up. I’m not.



13 Comments Add yours

  1. ainsobriety says:

    I love Gabor Mate.
    Have you gone to AA? Therapy? Maybe you will find the way there.
    I wish I knew how I quit. It took a long time, but once I said I had a problem out loud and asked for help everything changed.
    Wishing and hoping don’t get us sober. Action does. It’s so scary, but so worth it.
    Hug. You can do it.


    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you! I have started therapy and this upcoming week will be my 2nd time there. Doing the uncomfortable and still trying πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I really wish somebody could figure out the magic formula that flips the off switch permanently for anybody that wanted to.

    This time, so far, I’ve been meditating on the spirit of surrender, in all aspects of my life, including drinking. I’ve combined it with pursuing new things and making changes – doing online courses, allowing my creative impulses free reign and lots of reading, hot baths and sofa time too.

    I also liked that book. He sounds like a very compassionate man. Sending you hugs and strength. Keep going, keep trying, even just some baby-step changes each day, it all adds up x

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. Surrendering is what I am doing now. I know I can’t do this alone and need to reach out for help. It would be nice to have a magic formula, but I suppose “NOT DRINKING” is the magic formula!!! Not drinking today πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  3. daisy4leafclover says:

    It took me a few years to even get to this point. About 2.5 years of day 1’s. The second to last binge I had was 19th Dec and I was ill for a week. That was a bit of a wake up call. And also the fact that I turn 40 this year. It’s been easy some days, hard others. I don’t know what will happen in the future but for now it’s one day at a time. The things that stop me each day are: the best sleep I’ve had for 20 years, waking up without a headache, what I would say to people if I drank now, the fact the my bank account is transformed, I’m not checking myself every day for cancer lumps, I love getting in my bed every night, if I get cross with the kids it’s controlled, not drunken telling off, I can drive at any time of the day, my mum is proud of me, I am nicer to be around, The list is endless. I’d love a cocktail, or a glass of bubbles, but I know I wouldn’t stop there and all the above would fly out the window. It’s not easy, but the benefits far outweigh anything else. Good luck x

    Liked by 3 people

    1. ^—- Yes, what she said!!


    2. This is really encouraging to hear! Thank you. I love the feel of getting into bed sober and am looking forward to that tonight. I want my family to be proud of me, to have my boys see that I am strong and resilient and trying to do this hard thing….and succeeding! I’m happy your mom is proud of you and am so glad you realize that one glass won’t do it, I’m right there with you. I’m an all or nothing girl when it comes to alcohol, so nothing it shall be.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. bluebird487 says:

    My husband drinks too. Although he seem fine the day after a “binge”, I am learning to reconcile the fact that we are all not created equal and even though he feels “fine” after he drinks a 6 pack, I feel anxious and sickly and less than “fine”. He sleeps soundly and I wake up with anxiety and nausea at 3am after 4 beers. It’s not fair but the solution seems obvious. Wish it wasn’t so difficult. I’m always looking for new perspectives (and that is probably telling in itself) and I’ll check out Hungry Ghosts. Thanks for your honest post.


    1. Thank you, it helps to know that others are doing this with drinking spouses too. It’s hard, so you are doing really great! Do look into the book, it is really, really good!


  5. Stop it with the self punishing. You have a desire to stop. So just calm down and try to figure out what went wrong.

    Did you get hungry? Did you get angry? Did you lonely? Did you get tired?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this and yes, I DO have a desire to stop once and for all. Lonely is my demon, I’m home alone a lot now that my kids are in college and my husband goes out a lot of nights. Now that I know that, I need to find healthy ways to preoccupy myself! I might be going to bed at 7pm every night for awhile!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Or go to a meeting.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. A lot of great advice here. All I can say is the further I get away from drinking the more I realise how sick I was! I had many day one’e even after my rock bottom moment I still relapsed twice. But something in me changed, I knew the jig was up. I hated myself so much. Grace helped me through because I was a hot mess. There is nothing in that bottle of wine except misery, fear and regret. When you realise that this is what you are drinking, you are actually ingesting those emotions every time you drink – then things become clearer. It’s self-harm, as simple as that.

    Liked by 1 person

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